"The Guilt Was Consuming": Amber on Heartbreak, Honesty, and Her 80s Inspired Single "If Only"

Four years ago, Amber fell out of love with a good relationship, no villain, just honesty. Unable to relate to the angry breakup songs around her, she wrote her own.

The result is "If Only," a synth soaked 80s confession. Below, Amber, singer, songwriter, and tutor at The Riff Music Academy, opens up about guilt, growth, and releasing a song she's proud of.

About the Song

What inspired this single?

I had a breakup about four years ago. We dated for more than a year and, honestly, we had quite a good relationship. He was a kind, supportive man, but I started having doubts about being together. It made me feel guilty - how can I leave someone who's sweet and supportive?

I couldn't find a "justified" reason.

We had our tensions, and eventually I realized I didn't want the relationship anymore. I had kind of fallen out of love. Once I realized that, I knew I had to say goodbye. It was extremely difficult because I was leaving someone I loved heartbroken and confused, but I didn't feel honest with myself and it wasn't fair to either of us.

After we broke up, I obviously turned to music for comfort. At the time, a lot of the big breakup songs were things like "abcdefu" and "good 4 u."

They were great songs, but I couldn't relate to them. I wasn't breaking up with him because he was awful. I felt guilty about separating from something that was good, so I channelled that into a song.

"If only I could change my heart. If only you could understand me and see there's no way of changing one's heart." It's painful, but it's also accepting. Writing the song was how I processed the breakup.

What is the story behind the lyrics?

The lyrics represent not knowing exactly what went wrong, but knowing you've fallen out of love. It's a plea for your former partner to understand you. I guess I felt like I really hurt him, and it comforted me to think that somehow he would understand.

It's also about letting go of the guilt I felt. The line "Didn't want you to hurt but the guilt was consuming" in the second verse is exactly about that. I felt like I was bottling everything up.

Is there a particular message you hope listeners take away?

The main takeaway is that staying with someone, however good a person they are, isn't a reason to stay if your heart isn't fully in it. Sometimes it's okay to be alone and wait until you're ready for a relationship that is truly mutual.

No one wants to live with that inner conflict. You deserve to be wholeheartedly invested in the person you're with, not half-heartedly.

Creative Process

What does your songwriting process look like?

I usually start from a melody, a word, or a chord progression. I love working in Ableton because it allows a lot more creativity and lets me build instrumental parts as I go.

If I remember correctly, "If Only" started from the bass line that's heard throughout the verses. I was inspired by a bass recording from a friend, then changed it and turned it into a very 80s-style groove. After that I added chords and started gibberishing over the top until it formed into lyrics.

Pro tip: if you're struggling to come up with a melody or concept, just start gibberishing until something clicks. That's genuinely how a lot of my songs start. Once I found the melody, all the lyrics fell into place.

Did the song evolve significantly from the original idea?

Definitely. I made my own demo and then worked with producer Karol Dzik, whom I met at BIMM University, to create a better recorded version. Performing it live with a band also changed the song over time.

After the song sat unreleased for a while, I wanted to re-record the vocals and ended up working with Daniel Barer, a magnificent producer and part of the nostalgic pop duo Dreampark. He was really the missing piece. It was like I was seeing blurry and he was the glasses.

He gave the song its synth-pop and atmospheric identity, and of course we re-recorded the vocals, which came out beautifully. We're already working on the next release together.

Is there a favourite moment in the track for you?

Probably the bridge leading into the final chorus. It's the emotional peak of the song and it always makes me think about performing it passionately live.

Musical Influences

Which artists or genres influenced this release?

Not directly, but the 80s influence is very apparent. Bands like The Human League, Depeche Mode, and Blondie definitely shaped the atmosphere. I take a lot of inspiration from new wave and 80s pop-rock.

How would you describe the song to someone hearing it for the first time?

"An emotional synth-pop banger."

Teaching & Performing

How does being an active performer influence your teaching?

I bring real-life experiences from performing and developing my career into my teaching. Things like finding your unique sound, drawing from different influences, and most importantly - daring.

Singing is incredibly vulnerable, and practising can feel a bit embarrassing sometimes. But the more you go for it, the more confident you become. I've learned a lot from my embarrassing moments, and they often become the most valuable lessons.

What lessons from creating this song would you share with aspiring singers and songwriters?

This song sat with me for a long time. I think I recorded the first version two or three years before it was released. I wasn't fully happy with it yet, and I was still building confidence as a self-releasing artist.

In some ways, I probably postponed working on it for too long. It wasn't until I found Daniel Barer that everything clicked into place.

I'd say it's important to find the balance between investing in the right process and not releasing something you're not proud of, while also not being afraid to take the leap. Music is about growth and improvement. Your first releases probably won't match the level of perfection or numbers you're hoping for, but they're a fundamental step.

You can't get to level 38 without completing level one.

Looking Ahead

What's next after this release?

Right now I'm deep into the campaign for this song, which involves a lot of social media content. The visuals were beautifully filmed by Sam J. Roper. I came to him with a bunch of ideas and he was incredibly enthusiastic and supportive, as well as a wonderful person to execute the vision with.

In a few months, you might just see something new and exciting...

Are there more songs or projects in the works?

Definitely.

Will you be performing the single live?

Yes! I've already performed it quite a lot. My next gig is on the 31st of July at The Troubadour near Earl's Court.